Sunday, 19 February 2017

Polly Wants Prosecco! How Parrot-like Speak Can Prevent you from Enjoying Wine your Way

I remember one story about a parrot that was rescued from a very dodgy bar by a person close to me. She told me that, every now and then, the bird would yell "Get him out, he's drunk!" and burst into what sounded like a maniac's laughter.

I think it's fascinating when a parrot learns human words and is able to repeat them even without really understanding what they mean. It's not so cool or impressive when a person is the one doing this. And yet people yelp slogans, sayings and other common places on a daily basis about any topic that touches our lives. Wine is not an exception.

True, you need to learn your one o' ones before you can question them, but in a world that changes so quickly, being able to recite the 10 Beaujolais Crus like a trained tropical bird is not as important as trying to understand what makes them special, even if you keep forgetting Régnié and no matter how many mnemonic techniques you come up with to memorise it, it just doesn't stay... You know what, Régnié, it's not me it's you (this may or may not be vaguely based in a real story of studying frustration).

Anyway, I'm all up for trying to memorise the universe, but when it comes to parrot-like behaviour and wine, there are some pearls of wisdom that I find particularly dated and borderline prejudiced. I'm not exempt of them and I have eaten my slice of humble pie, like the time I refused to touch kindly offered Sherry because I'm not really a Sherry person, thanks. Words of a younger and dumber me (let's not go into the fact that this happened barely a few months ago). But my point is that after talking to the right people and trying the right Sherry, I completely came around and yes, I won't be chilling a full bottle of Amontillado to sip while watching House of Cards anytime soon, but I'll be happy to take a couple of glasses with Game of Thrones on (yes, the show I watch influences the wine I like to drink on the sofa but that's another story).

This takes me to a news story about an inexpensive sparkling wine called ProGrigio launched this week in Britain. The name, portmanteau of Prosecco and Pinot Grigio is a marketer's dream, and the tagline If you like Prosecco, you'll love ProGrigio, is composed of the stuff that makes candidates win elections.

It kind of reminds me to that episode of The Simpsons in which Homer accidentally hybridises tomatoes and tobacco into a new vegetable also named with a very catchy word: ToMacco.

As usual, Lisa was the only one in the family who wasn't too fond of ToMacco. Image via simpsonsworld
It tasted weird, and the plants were fertilised with "chemicals" to say the least (including Plutonium from Springfield's nuclear plant) but everyone wanted more of it. In the words of Bart, "it's smooth and mild — and refreshingly addictive." I wonder if Bart's tasting notes on ToMacco could be extrapolated to this innovation.

But my point is, that even while it's tempting to assume it's going to be of a certain quality, this is just the type of situation in which parrot-like behaviour becomes evident. I will assume it's only a matter of time until this product goes global (it already went viral) and Ireland will probably see some sort of me too on the shelves. I actually look forward to try it, not because I think it's going to blow my mind or it's going to be awful, but because after all this fuss, I just want to decide for myself.

Anyway, all of this babble was actually an excuse for me to draw animals talking about wine. So, here's a little comic with real phrases we all have heard plenty of times, so many times in fact that they've become parrot-speak.

Sunday, 12 February 2017

Mainstream Vs. Boutique Vs. Natural Wine Lovers: How They See Each Other

I recently found an illustration by Cinismo Ilustrado which made fun of how carnivores, vegetarians and vegans see each other. So basically, meat lovers will see each other as "normal", vegetarians as "bunnies" and vegans as "E.T." (or basically, aliens) and so on. I thought it's possible to make a similar graph comparing the way different types of wine lovers see each other.

So, while it's not all primary colours here, let's say there are three main groups:

Mainstream: People that love wine in general and will drink a good glass without worrying to much about the backstage process. If it's tasty, it's tasty, isn't it that simple?

-Of course it isn't- Said the next type...

Boutique: Wine lovers that will value craft and small independent houses that work in an environmentally friendly way. True, sometimes a bit of chemicals are needed but as long as you don't abuse it and take good care of Mother Nature, you are in the good books. Are they right or what?

-Wrong! They're part of the problem!- Said the next type...

Natural: They're to wine what Poison Ivy is to Batman. The only sane people if you ask themselves, complete extremists if you take anyone else's opinion. And while there are different categories among those who stand for natural wines, the 101 is that chemicals are bad and if you use them your wine is poisoned.

So, inspired by the aforementioned artwork, here's a little guide on how do different wine lovers see each other depending on which one of these groups they identify themselves with...

How Mainstream sees Mainstream: The beautiful, cool kids. Why not aim for perfection, right?

How Mainstream sees Boutique: Bunch of hippies, some of them are kinda Ok.

How Mainstream sees Natural: You might as well join a cult. They'll be less weird.

How Boutique sees Mainstream: The plastics. Attractive but zero personality.

How Boutique sees Boutique: Creative and kind, just happy to express themselves.

How Boutique sees MainstreamTheir hearts might be in the right place, but they're eccentric nuts.

How Natural sees MainstreamSkynet meets BP oil spills and puppy killers.

How Natural sees BoutiqueThey seem "green" but among them they're a bunch of hypocrites with lots to hide.

How Natural sees MainstreamThe saviours of Gaia.

Obviously, it's not so divisive in real life (although I've heard pretty judgy comments from all types), Agree? Disagree? Let me know!


Saturday, 4 February 2017

Cat's Piss, Wet Dog and Musk: Are we Tasting Wine or Playing Jumanji?

Every time I hear someone saying a wine smells like cat's piss I'm immediately taken back to memories of an understaffed pet shop I used to visit ages ago just to play with the kittens. My love for kittens, just as my love for certain Sauvignon Blancs *cough, Marlborough, cough* made me endure the pungent smell, but at the same time, it prevented me from staying longer or having a second glass.

And as funky as it sounds, cat's piss is not the only wine aroma descriptor associated with animals that is included in the common tongue -pun intended- of sommeliers and wine people. "Farmyard", "Horse-y", "Game", "Musk" and "Wet Dog" are among the smells mentioned in tasting notes that would be more appropriate when talking about a zoo in the summer or an overcrowded gym.

These are not arbitrary or chosen by the experts to troll you, but the result of the presence of Brettanomyces, a type of yeast associated with aromas that you'd expect from a cage more than from a bottle. Love them or hate them, they're legit.

But why stop there? Dust your childhood books and grow your vocabulary of critters and their aromatic qualities. In order to help, here are a few animal wine descriptors I think the world could benefit from having...

Just imagine it...

Oh, I sense a delicate scent of raccoon fresh out of a bin-
Absolutely, very ripe-

While I'm not a fan of Brettanomyces, or Brett, for the pals, I have to admit that life would be dull if everything we could find in wine was citrus and berries.

It's kinda like in that film American Hustle, where Jennifer Lawrence's characters is obsessed with her odd-smelling nail polish. "Flowers and garbage", she describes it as. Great fit for a film where the glamorous and the trashy blended so well.